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tiffanyxsparkles's Blog


#dumped

So I was finally dumped. 

After months of trying to help my boyfriend, he sends me a text message with the classic it's not you, it's me. I asked him why and he said because I wasn't helping him.l I thought to myself, well fuck, I tried my fucking hardest, I listened every time you would tell me something, I would always message you and ask how you were doing and I would always offer love and support, something you never gave me. You never asked how I was or if I was ok. 

So I conclude with a great big Fuck You. 

Fucked world full of fucking assholes.

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suicide attempt

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Out with the old, in with the blue.

After breaking it off with my previous lover, for the simple reason that I just wanted sex, but he started to become attached, followed by my suicide attempt, I decided it would be nice to call up my friend. His name is Sacha, he is Belgium, speaks fluent French, his mother is a doctor and his father works in IT for the US military and he suffers from depression. He had been hospitalised and hasn't been to school for a bit over 7 months. I invited him over for a visit, he lives in south Sydney which is about 2 hours out from where I live so I invited him to stay the night. Then we introduced an old friend called vodka. We began talking about our issues and whatnot, he has wanted to commit suicide for a long time and was planning to do it until I invited him over. I explained to him my situation and all of the issues that I have been having, he noticed my scars and said that he wants to be there for me. 

And here I am, in a relationship. He is very intelligent which I absolutely adore and l feel that l will be able to make a difference in his life. Since he comes from a wealthy family, his parents didn't spend much time with his as a child and they were always travelling to and from Europe, they never noticed his depression until his school pointed it out. l am able to talk to him and have him understand what l am going through and vies versa.

l am quite optimistic about this relationship and since he has a lot of family drama going on l have offered for him to move in with me, which he accepted and will be doing so in December. This relationship will either end well and we will both get the help we need, or it will end with us committing suicide together.   

Birthday wishes.

I have always had shitty birthdays, and this one did not disappoint either. 

Everything started off normal, mum was making a nice dinner and l had my friend staying over. Mum had been drinking, and eventually this led to an argument between my mum and my step dad. l am so grateful my friend stayed over so l could send her out with my two little sisters for a walk, who were both very distraught.

While they were gone, l had to stand between my mum and step day who were were getting very loud and violent. Mum ended up punching multiple things and has broken her knuckle. So by this stage l am having an anxiety attach while trying to pry my parents off each other.

When my friend came over my two little sisters wanted to stay with us to we all slept it the same bed, quite squished lol.

Same shit, different birthday. 

  

Work

I work in a retail store and it is quite frustrating. The amount of arrogant stupid people I serve daily is remarkable, and how people will start up a s**t fest over something as little as 50c. We have recently got a new boss, which is a good thing because I got into a bit of a scuffle with the old one. 

Apparently, giving her a reality check and telling her that she is in her late 30's and she still works in a retail department store and that she needs to stay the f**k away from me because I cant stand her smug, arrogant c**t of a face was inappropriate and rude. She wasn't even in charge of my department however she felt she was big and important enough to tell me what to do over my boss. But she didn't talk to me after that anyway.

Anyhow, there was a mix up with some overrides or something, and some BBQ's got marked down $100 when they shouldn't have been. This is not my fault or my problem, I don't make the prices, I just scan and bag the s**t.  So everyone got to sit through a nice, long, boring speech about how this massive retail chain is now down $200. All throughout this I am thinking to myself, I don't give two flying f**ks about your money or if people steal from this massive corporation. It's probably just going to some Chinese sweatshop where they pay children 3c an hour. Of course, I can't talk, I work for the c**ts, so I'm just fueling this stupid worlds economy and probably supporting child and slave labor. It's cool, I'm pretty sure they are going to fire me tomorrow anyway. 

See you on the other side xx

I see Stupid people.

Sitting up the back in hospitality with my friend, listening to the stupidity of the other students in the class. Managed to convince one girl that raw chicken is a super healthy alternative to cooked chicken.

As we listen to their blabbering nonsense and utter stupidity, I said to my friend... "if this is what the world has come to, I would rather be dead." to which she replied, "I don't have the guts but it is not a bad proposition."

Looking out the window of my class room and wondering what went wrong with the human species and if it could ever be revived? The fact that I could convince a girl to eat raw chicken, half of the class doesn't know what dairy products are and it took the class three hours to prepare tea sandwiches. I look down at my scars, yet I am the weird one. 

Suicide: yay or nay?

I think I'm suicidal.

I am an existentialist, ( philosophy that emphasizes the uniqueness and isolation of the individual experience in a hostile or indifferent universe, regards human existence as unexplainable, and stresses freedom of choice and responsibility for the consequences of one's acts.)  and I agree with a lot of ideas expressed by other existentialist such as Samuel Beckett. I don't see suicide as necessarily a bad thing, more of an escape that very few people are able to reach. I have been self harming since i was 14 and it has recently gotten worse. I don't see myself growing old or developing, or "fitting in" to this world. Maybe one day I will escape? 

Just take it one day at a time.  

1-6 of 6 Blogs   

Previous Posts
#dumped, posted November 3rd, 2012
****** world full of ******* ********., posted November 1st, 2012
suicide attempt, posted September 19th, 2012
Out with the old, in with the blue., posted September 19th, 2012
Birthday wishes., posted August 22nd, 2012, 1 comment
Work, posted August 4th, 2012
I see Stupid people., posted August 1st, 2012, 1 comment
Suicide: yay or nay?, posted July 29th, 2012

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